random thoughts of depression

one of those days when i feel like doing something stupid because i feel just so depressed... i am glad i found a channel to speak my mind and let it out...

i saw that my ex is still hung-up.. whether it is about me or sth else is unclear but i can't help feel responsible.

this guilt is literally eating me alive... there is nothing i can do to completely heal it.. and as time goes by, it gets worse.

i have been trying to keep myself busy with random stuff... fun stuff... but none of it is really a solution... i feel like these attempts to escape the truth is making this situation harder...

i had a thought of possible suicide today... although brief, and quickly faded because i was too chicken, but it makes me wonder how strong my mind really is... it has been taking all sorts of crap and really hiding it all.... shielding it from anyone... i thought i was good at handling this kinda stuff, as it turns out, i may have hit my max...

i do have crap load of stuff that should keep me busy this week, work + school + even some events planned with friends...

i want to be happy... and right now, i don't see how i can get there...

cell phone fiasco - part1

i have been holding out for ip5 for the longest time since i knew iphone4 would launch without a white version (yes i know.. silly). But yesterday, on eve of the iphone 4 white launch, i caved in and decided to get the iphone 4. When i got up early to get it today, i ran into multiple problems

problem 1: i discovered that i was not eligible for an upgrade. In fact, i wasn't eligible until 9/25/2012. I got my phone in 2008 june and i haven't gotten a new phone since.. i don't know where this came from

problem 2: upon discovering the above problem, i called customer service and found that i recently (4/13/2011) signed a new 2 year contract.... what tha....

so it turns out that i signed up to get discount through school that i am attending. What i didn't know was that among all the complicated agreement page, it did mention (apparently) that i am agreeing to sign a new 2 year contract. Needless to say i was furious... i know i should have checked but who reads those things anyway?? after talking to the CSR for like 1 hour, i was able to get off the contract but still no discount....

i hate AT&T...should i just move to verizon??

when life throws you a curve ball

so i guess i need a place to rant... so here i go...

this year, i made one of the hardest decision i ever had to make in my life. I had to choose love or family. 

I chose family.

I was put into situation where there was no right choice... but a choice had to be made... i hated my family for putting me in that situation.... i hated myself more for putting me in that situation.

When love blossoms, everything else is just a white background. I never noticed that i was heading straight into a fork with no third option or way to backup.

It has been 4 months now and i have this feeling in my stomach that makes me want to just scream, cry, or just stare into abyss, waiting for someone to tell me that it wasn't a mistake.

even in this anonymous world of random blogging, i can't bring myself to admit my true feelings because saying it would be like committing yourself to lifetime of torture... or it feels that way.

I hate that i am put into this situation... i try not to complain and put on a straight face to move on.... one side will heckle me saying that i moved on to quick... saying that i was lying the last 2 years... and i can't and i won't try to convince her otherwise because that would be going back... and i can't go back there now

the other side is jolly... they have no clue what they are putting me through and don't want to hear about it... to them, i am an oak tree, solid and dependable... i should never have a weak side.

i feel like i have no ground to stand on where i can be myself. This decision has effected my friendship... i even bought tortoises in an attempt to find comfort... maybe that was beginning of the trouble for me? 

i would love to go see a shrink if i can afford one... it is just too bad that only psychology major friend is my old gf from university... story of my life...

iPad notetaking day 2

it has been two days since i started using my iPad2 as note-taking device, effectively replacing notepad/sketchbook and simple word-processing.

I must say that drawing diagrams on ipad is still difficult... i will have to get used to this.... certainly the apps help.

perhaps i will post my very first diagrams i drew on iPad today....