this year, i made one of the hardest decision i ever had to make in my life. I had to choose love or family.
I chose family.
I was put into situation where there was no right choice... but a choice had to be made... i hated my family for putting me in that situation.... i hated myself more for putting me in that situation.
When love blossoms, everything else is just a white background. I never noticed that i was heading straight into a fork with no third option or way to backup.
It has been 4 months now and i have this feeling in my stomach that makes me want to just scream, cry, or just stare into abyss, waiting for someone to tell me that it wasn't a mistake.
even in this anonymous world of random blogging, i can't bring myself to admit my true feelings because saying it would be like committing yourself to lifetime of torture... or it feels that way.
I hate that i am put into this situation... i try not to complain and put on a straight face to move on.... one side will heckle me saying that i moved on to quick... saying that i was lying the last 2 years... and i can't and i won't try to convince her otherwise because that would be going back... and i can't go back there now
the other side is jolly... they have no clue what they are putting me through and don't want to hear about it... to them, i am an oak tree, solid and dependable... i should never have a weak side.
i feel like i have no ground to stand on where i can be myself. This decision has effected my friendship... i even bought tortoises in an attempt to find comfort... maybe that was beginning of the trouble for me?
i would love to go see a shrink if i can afford one... it is just too bad that only psychology major friend is my old gf from university... story of my life...
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